8/12/2007

The 50 Greatest Lies of the New Millennium

"I promise that I wont..."

"I swear to it, really... trust me!"

There have been many lists of lies that have been circulated around for years. People used to receive shorter versions on their fax machines, then with the advent of computers in the late 1900s, the lists began to grow. But now were in the , so perhaps it's time once again to update that list. Here is our humble offering of the 50 Greatest Lies of the New Millennium...

  1. The check's in the mail.
  2. Trust me.
  3. I didn't mean any harm.
  4. I'll only take a minute of your time.
  5. I'll call you right back.
  6. If you elect me, I promise...
  7. This isn't partisan politics; it's for the good of the country.
  8. A representative of the government says...
  9. These measures will ensure the safety of the American people while preserving essential liberties.
  10. I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
  11. I've never felt like this before.
  12. This time it's different.
  13. I'm planning to get a divorce so I can marry you.
  14. I'll never let you down.
  15. My wife (husband) is okay with me seeing other people; she (he) just doesn't want to know about it.
  16. I'm not leaving you for her (him); I just need some space to think things through.
  17. You don't need to use a condom; I'm on the pill.
  18. I don't need to use a condom; I've had a vasectomy and tested negative for STD's.
  19. Don't worry, I'll pull out in time.
  20. I promise, I won't come in your mouth.
  21. That was special.
  22. I'll call you.
  23. I promise I'll pay you back next Friday.
  24. I'll never get this drunk (stoned, wrecked, etc.) again.
  25. I'm not addicted; I can quit smoking (drinking, name the habit) any time I want.
  26. You look like you haven't aged a single day!
  27. No, I don't think that outfit makes you look fat.
  28. You're going to love working here.
  29. I have no clue what you're talking about!
  30. It's 100% compatible with all of your existing equipment.
  31. I've gone and checked this email out on Google, and it's really not a hoax.
  32. We found and fixed the very last bug!
  33. You can get rich on the Internet!
  34. No obligation!
  35. You may already be a winner!
  36. Lose all the weight you want!
  37. I'm being totally unbiased.
  38. This will only hurt a little.
  39. This will hurt me more than it does you.
  40. I'm doing this for your own good.
  41. It's only for a little while...
  42. It was an accident.
  43. Please hold, and a customer service representative will be with you shortly.
  44. We are experiencing a peak level of call volume...
  45. Our cell phones will give you much more freedom...
  46. This product was made in an environmentally friendly manner.
  47. I know it's none of my business...
  48. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but...
  49. We'll have all the repairs finished by noon.
  50. It will only take four more hours...

Some of your favorites may have been overlooked. If that's so just leave a comment and share your thoughts here.

7/30/2007

Harry Potter and the Zigzag Quest

My own case of Pottermania struck very late when I found that my son would not be getting his copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows the night it was released as previously expected.

My son was on vacation with relatives and due to start summer camp over the weekend, and suddenly all of the plans to get our copy on its US release date had fallen through, for a wide variety of unplanned reasons. The choice was to either go ahead and wait for it from a previous online reservation, or start from scratch and venture out into the night and try to get it from one of our local retailers... at about 10:15 pm on Friday night. A friend was visiting the area, and after about thirty seconds of deliberation we decided to give in and venture forth on a quest to obtain a copy at midnight on Friday, so we ventured forth.

Luckily bookstore and retailers abound in Eastern Pennsylvania, so it seemed to be more a matter of choice than chance, so we thought, so into the car we went in search for the book that was said to be the best selling book of all time by retailers such as Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble and Borders. They had already reported that more orders had been placed for this book than for any other in history, and American publisher Scholastic had announced an unprecedented initial print run of 12 million copies.

We took off for the double-decker Barnes & Noble near Oxford Valley Mall and there found lines of happy Muggles of all ages celebrating the event. Some had been reported to have been there since early Friday morning. We also found that we couldn't pull the old "I just want to go in and get a cup of your coffee" trick. After talking to a number of people and store personnel there, who reported that they had more than enough books to go around, we decided to take a look at Borders, which was just a couple of miles down the road.

At Borders, there were no lines outside, but there was a huge party going on inside that immense store, so we went in, hoping to get a reservation for a copy of the book. Ran into a few friends who wanted to chat and party, but we were on a quest. We tried to get our reservation, but no such luck, as we were told that they had already sold out, though one employee said that there "might be more later" due to people not coming in for their already-reserved copy. That sounded rather vague.

Muggles 7/20/2007 at 11:37 PM... as far as the eye can see.

At this point it seemed to be wise to go back to Barnes & Noble and get whatever reservation they were offering, even though it seemed that we were now following some zigzag pattern just to buy a book. We drove back over our previous route, parked and walked to the entrance where we were cheerfully offered a wristband which guaranteed that we would get our book, so this seemed great. The wristbands were being issued in alphabetical groups on a first-come-first-served basis, with each group having a vague number of people. One person said that there were hundreds in each group, and our blue wristbands indicated that we were in group "V" which meant that we might be there when the sun came up, as ours would be the 22nd group of "hundreds" to be let in.

We looked at each other and laughed, deciding that we may as well stick it out, but already feeling a bit tired, it was time for a large cup of coffee... but we still couldn't get into Barnes & Noble due to the fire marshal now restricting the number of people who were allowed in the store. Feeling confident that we would at least get a copy, we went back to the car and then drove down to Borders once again. The store was even more jammed than before, and the people were having a grand time as midnight approached. We went to the coffee line in the back of the store and waited.

The coffee line was moving slowly, but that was OK since we knew that we were going to have to wait for our copy at the other store. That might have been fine except that when we were only about three people away from getting our now-necessary beverages, they shut down the coffee service, apologizing that their water was not functioning, of all things.

We left, and another quest for coffee began, which we finally located at a local Wawa 24-hour convenience store. Then it was back to Barnes & Noble shortly before 1:00 AM, coffee in hand, where we found that they were just admitting people with wristband marked with "I", the 9th group. That meant that we were going to have to wait for 13 more groups to go in. Resigned to the fact that we might be waiting for a couple more hours, we decided to make the best of it, chatting with others around us who had broken away from the formal lines.

Muggles 7/21/2007 at 12:57 AM

We were standing watching the after-midnight socializing, when behind us a young women (whom I won't name) commented that she was amazed at the lines with all of the people waiting when the Borders Express within the Oxford Valley Mall still had over 200 copies available for anyone to pick up. Since our quest had already taken a few strange turns, I asked her what she meant, and she replied that she worked that store and she had heard about the long lines and had come down to see for herself. I was skeptical until she pulled out her employee ID badge. At this time a few other people heard her words and began to sprint for their cars. I kissed her on her cheek, thanking her profusely as she giggled, and we headed quickly towards our car.

We pulled up to the food court entrance of the mall as she had suggested, and joined a few more people with whom we had been standing at the other store, all of us entering together. We made our way past the darkened food court, then left and down to the brightly lit Borders Express. As we entered, an employee walked up and just handed me our new copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and said to be sure to ask for our free poster when we paid for the book at the register.

So that's how we ended up with our copy of the book and the promised poster at exactly 1:11 am, and at 40% off as well. And now you know why I've referred to this as our own "Harry Potter and the Zigzag Quest."

My son knows, and can't wait to get back to start reading it...

Technorati Tags: zigzag quest, harry potter, deathly hallows, lexidiem, jargontalk, pottermania, muggles, oxford valley, no pule zone

7/14/2007

Ducking Out...

There are times when each of us needs to kick back, to take a short break, if only to recharge our batteries.

That's exactly what I'm doing, taking a short break. My son is away for summer camp, so the timing is ideal. Going to catch up with a friend or two, since that's a bit overdue. Might luxuriate and sleep in some mornings, possibly get out and shoot a few photos. 

Now I know that rumors and speculation can occasionally run rampant here, and just to clarify things for once and all, here's what I'm not going to do:

  • Not wandering off to some enclave populated by people sporting shaved heads from some Eastern religious order in the Pennsylvania hills to try and "find myself."  Nothing against those who want to find themselves, but I don't feel like finding myself right now, and occasionally like being a bit lost from time to time.
     
  • Not wandering off to that nudist sex colony in Florida for a chance to mingle in the raw with B-movie stars waiting to get discovered. Haven't been naked in public for a few years now, and don't need to have to deal with a sunburn on my nether regions.
     
  • Not going to one of the workshops for writers that I've been thinking about for the last couple of years. The one in North Carolina that I had thought about ends this weekend. The one in Paris is too far away and non parlez francais, si vous plait. And that one for "open-minded writers of adult fiction and fantasy" worries me a bit, as they said that they "encourage total immersion in the experience"... whatever the hell that means.

But my non-Apple mp3 player is loaded with everything from Regina Spektor, Gogol Bordello, Amy Winehouse and Tom Waits, to some jazz and classical. I've included a couple of new versions of Carl Orff's "O, Fortuna" from Carmina Burana because I can't make up my mind which is best. If I want to go woods or trail riding, my mountain bike is now tuned properly, and I can hold off replacing the old gel seat for another year. Got another memory card for my digital camera in case I find some interesting things, or people, to capture through its lens.

So that's it, ready to take a break for a few days, and maybe even for a week. If you absolutely, positively have too reach me, send me an email or a message through here. Those of you who have my phone number know that I'll answer if I'm around, and if not, just leave a message.
 
And with that said, I'm ducking out - see you soon!

Technorati Tags: jargontalk, lexidiem, writer workshops, ducks, nudist, Buzznet, Regina Spektor, Gogol Bordello, Amy Winehouse, Tom Waits, O Fortuna, e-mail, no pule zone, ducking out

5/31/2007

Rosie Sez...

A Message From Rosie


Rosie O'Donnell has quit her job as moderator of The View after a vicious war of words with Elizabeth Hasselbeck hit the headlines last week. She clashed with her co-host on last Wednesday's program after the pair fell out over their political views, and she has not returned to the daytime show since.

She told fans she didn't know when she'd be back in a posting on her blog after the on-air fight, but now the show's producers have confirmed O'Donnell has quit.

O’Donnell’s remarks became so inflammatory that ABC actually bleeped her live on the air. She lost any remaining shreds of credibility the moment she showed an utter lack of respect for the opinions of her fellow panelists, live audience, and viewers at home.

On her blog O'Donnell said, "I have said all I needed," and posted a scrapbook tribute to her co-hosts from The View as a touching swan song video.

Rosie O'Donnell says she will likely never speak to her former co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck again, as you can see here, after an on-air tiff last week that led to O'Donnell's early departure from the show.
And just because she is no longer on "The View", don’t think she’s just going away. She's announced that she's going on a rock tour, joining her friend Cyndi Lauper on a series of dates beginning soon. They're said to have been friends for a while, and Rosie has even considered producing Cyndi’s show for Broadway.

But in out world there are sometimes coincidences that are too strange not to have deeper meaning. News reports emerged from Alabama last week stating that an 11-year-old boy had killed a 1,051-pound hog with a handgun. 

While Rosie's star is plummeting, 11-year-old Jamison Stone is reveling in his instant stardom and the attention over his pig, which already has a Web site put up by his father — www.monsterpig.com — that is generating a bit Internet buzz.

And even more coincidental, the handgun that Jamison used is rumored to have been purchased a few years back at a local Kmart, and Rosie O'Donnell used to be their TV spokesperson. And it's probably untrue that the firearm was a Rosie O'Donnell Signature Edition™ Smith & Wesson.

The hog's head is now being mounted on an extra-large foam form. Jamison's father Mike denied that they were going to name the stuffed after the former host of The View.

Jamison, meanwhile, has been offered a small part in "The Legend of Hogzilla," a small-time horror flick. The movie is holding casting calls, but has not announced who will be chosen for the role of Hogzilla.

But back to Rosie O'Donnell. 

She can hang lose, just relax for awhile, and won't even have to brush her hair in the morning. 
 
No, I for one won't miss Rosie's self-pitying, victimhood-claiming, manipulative, no-sense arguing at all. Maybe she can go back to advertising for Kmart.

Rosie O'Donnell, The View, Elizabeth Hasselbeck, tantrum, Lexidiem, JargonTalk, on-air fight, Cyndi Lauper, Jamison Stone, Hogzilla 

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5/27/2007

Barbie, what have you done!

The Flavor of a Favor

Barbie Cummings doesn't see what all the fuss is about.

Trooper James Randy Moss of the Tennessee Highway Patrol (THP) was just doing his job when he observed a pink Honda Accord speeding outside of Nashville on May 7th. He clocked her doing 92 mph in a 70 mph zone near Lebanon, so doing his duty, he pulled her over.

Since she was speeding,
Trooper Moss felt it necessary to search her vehicle, and asked her if she had drugs in the car. She admitted to having some "happy pills," otherwise known in the real world as painkillers. He told her that a drug charge would mean she couldn't leave the state.

Trooper Moss then found out that Barbie Cummings is a porn star (and I didn't make this up, that's her
stage name). The 21-year-old buxom blonde informed him of her occupation, explaining that if she was arrested she wouldn't be able to leave the state, etc, etc.

 

So what did the resourceful trooper to do? He threw the "happy pills" in the brush and decided to get happy the good old-fashioned way. Cummings says the trooper led her to the cruiser where the two watched some of her finest work from her Web site using a laptop computer in his patrol car.  That must have really gotten him going, because they moved to a secluded area where he used a hand-held camera to make his own oral-based porno.

One might say that Trooper was just being resourceful, but he was so proud of his performance that he supposedly bragged about it to his cop buddies. Then like some high-school locker room stud, he e-mailed the photos and video to her, to share them with her. 

Now get this: Trooper Moss still gave her a ticket!

The officer's citation did not mention finding any illegal narcotics in the car, but he still charged her with speeding.

Now Ms. Cummings is no stranger to the 'Net, with exposure on MySpace, various adult sites, and her own blog.

So she Ms Cummings wrote about it, and posted the visual evidence on her blog. And in her blog she also commented in so many words that if anyone was speeding, he was.

The contents of that May 7th blog entry may be found here: NSFW - Explicit Details! Do not view if you might be offended by explicit language and details!

 


The story has, of course, made international headlines, and she said she’s enjoyed the attention it’s brought her. She’s evidently gotten hundreds of e-mails from fans as far away as Pakistan since the story broke. Her blog was taken down temporarily and moved after the site netted 205,000 hits during the last week of May, she said, but her popularity on the 'Net remains.

"This police officer went ahead and told (all) of his co-workers, other police officers, and was bragging about it," she wrote. "He isn’t in trouble because of the act itself, but that he chose to let it happen while he was on duty. There was no bribing, no (coercing) or convincing."

"I didn't get out of anything. It was not a trade. Just like a guy - he got his, and I still got the speeding ticket."

But why in the world would the trooper be so incredibly stupid as to not only allow someone to take pictures and videos, but to give them copies?

A fourth grader would have more sense than that. And now we find out that
Trooper Moss has been fired
. One can only wonder if he was fired for throwing the pills away, receiving oral favors while on duty, or stupid conduct unbecoming a law enforcement officer.

Barbie met with THP investigators and said she turned over the photos and video. They evidently saw enough evidence, and have fired Trooper Moss, who may still be facing further charges.

And Barbie Cummings she may see James Randy Moss again, as she a good citizen, and plans to show up in court in Lebanon, TN on June 29th to answer the charge of speeding.
 
Will try to get the outcome of her court appearance.

Tennessee's new Lick-it-or-Ticket traffic advisory.
New traffic advisory sign seen in the Nashville area.
 
“Lick it or Ticket - a law whose time has come.”
~ Barbie Cummings

This one is my nomination for the 2007 Darwin Awards.

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